Give it time
I was 30 years old before I understood my mental distress. Before then, it was in the background. It began in my childhood, but it wasn’t until I was older and understood the signs that my recovery started.
I grew up in a family environment in rural Fiji. When I was eight, I moved to the city for a better education and boarded with another family. The move really affected me. I started isolating myself and losing interest in things I was doing.
I finished school, but had another ‘bump’ when I was 18 and my father passed away. I was shocked by his death and didn’t know how to ask for support. My family did not believe in mental illness and thought I was just sad and I would get over it.
Then my mother told me I should move to New Zealand for further education, so I came here with a fresh mind, thinking I was leaving my negativity behind. I studied for my private pilot’s license, and then for my commercial license. I did my hours, but I always had a cloud of anxiety over me and I could see I was struggling more than others.
I had to reschedule my flying hours according to how I was feeling and this put stress on me. Eventually, I couldn’t afford to carry on with my flying, so I had to give that up. That was a big, big disappointment for me. I was also in a relationship at the time, which started off well but didn’t finish very well, so that was another stress.
I felt very alone.
More compassionate in New Zealand
For the first time I asked for help. I think New Zealand is quite ahead in terms of how mental illness is dealt with. People are more compassionate compared to Fiji and even Australia. I went to see my GP, told him my story, and he prescribed me antidepressants for anxiety.
I took them for two months and I went into a real high. The antidepressants gave me an elevated mood. I had a big psychotic episode, which I believe was partly caused by the medication I was taking, because the dosage wasn’t correct.
I was put into hospital and that’s when I realised something was wrong. It was really hard for me to accept that I’d finally had a breakdown. It was very confusing in the hospital. I thought spirits were communicating with me. I thought my experience was partly spiritual and partly psychosis, so I couldn’t figure out what it was.
They gave me antipsychotics and increased my antidepressants and sent me home after a month. They weren’t very thorough with me and didn’t really explain what my diagnosis was. I thought this was a one-off experience, but I still had to take my medication. It made me put on weight and feel drowsy most of the time. This made me worse and drove me deeper into depression.
Counselling really helped
I began counselling which really helped. I was able to deal with things that happened in the past. This helped me make sense of why I was feeling the way that I was. It was a big step forward. Then the doctors readjusted my medication so I could exercise and feel better.
Two years ago I had another manic episode. I don’t know why – maybe I was over exercising or exerting myself. I couldn’t sleep and I started hearing voices. Since then, I’ve changed my medication and I feel more stable and focused.
Medication has really helped me despite the bad side effects. I’ve also done some volunteer work, and got involved in swimming and gardening, because when I was home the voices were too much for me. Now that I’ve started doing things, the voices have reduced.
I feel I have a long journey ahead of me and I’m still learning. Deep inside, I still need to make sense of it myself. Talking to people, like counsellors, is one way I can understand it. Getting support helps too. For me this has been from family, peer support and spiritual connections.
God as a higher power
My belief in God plays a big part in this. I am Hindu, but I also believe in Jesus. In the past this caused a clash within me because I was always trying to determine who the true God is. Now I just see God as a higher power.
My advice to others going through a similar experience is to just give it time. It could happen to anybody, and it’s part of who you are. But it’s not the total picture, so the quicker you accept this, the better it is, and the easier it is to move forward.
Give it time and the difficult periods will pass. There’s always something good to look forward to. Ultimately, I would love to fully recover from my mental illness, start a family and move closer to my family in Australia. I believe this will happen. I have hope.
