I was sane in my insanity
I first heard God’s voice three years ago. I thought I was the queen of the world. I was on a real high. I thought I was going to be rich and famous, because God didn’t usually talk to people.
I’d been very depressed at the time and I said to God, “If you don’t do something about this I will kill myself”. And then I just heard his voice. I felt a huge sense of relief, because I really believed God was talking to me and I thought, “Finally, I don’t have to do this on my own”.
In bed at night I had very vivid dreams, and every night God would show me things from my past that I had done wrong, and I’d be extremely sorry. He would say, “Cut it out, because there’s nothing you can do about it”. Then he’d show me the next thing. It was like a counselling session, and over time I realised there was nothing I could do about the past. He was helping me move on.
I could also feel God’s physical touch. If I was nervous, I could feel him holding my hand. He would comfort me by talking me through the day step-by-step, because I couldn’t cope otherwise. He’d say, “It’s time to get up now”, and, “Put a piece of toast in the toaster”.
I was brought up in a strict Christian family, but I no longer believe in a Christian god. I view God as the life force within us all.
Husband was nasty to me
I went through a period of depression three years into my marriage, when I was 25. That’s when it became apparent that my husband wasn’t interested in having sex with me anymore. He used to say quite nasty things to reject me.
I didn’t think I could live like that, but I managed to pull myself together and out of my depression. Things didn’t change between me and my husband. But now we don’t fight, there’s just a huge void.
When I was 36, my depression returned again. This time, I was in a management position, so I had to conduct staff reviews and I wasn’t happy about the negative things my boss asked me to say to people. I lost a lot of friends. I wanted to leave my job, but my husband said that I couldn’t, because we needed the money.
I wanted to do what my husband said, but I was depressed about it. In the end I ran away from work and I didn’t go back. I was okay for a while and I thought it was over. But the injustice of the situation really got to me.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone about how I was feeling, because I didn’t think there were any good people in the world to talk to. My kids were quite mean to me at times, and my husband never stood up for me. I would cry a lot and my husband told me I was evil, because I wasn’t pulling my weight at home. All I could see was the bad in people and I thought that eventually everyone would turn on me.
I had a choice – to live in the real world and be depressed, or listen to the voice of God. At that point I could probably have pulled out and controlled myself, but I didn’t want to. God was scary sometimes, but he was still better than the real world.
Referred to mental health services
I ended up getting referred to mental health services. The doctors put me on various drugs and talked about counselling, although that support never eventuated. The emphasis was on medication, but I think talking to somebody would have really helped, as I didn’t think I had a medical problem. I was just sad about the world and needed to see that there were some really good people out there.
Instead I was medicated, because they thought something was wrong with me. They diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder and major depression. I didn’t believe I had a disease, however, hearing stories of other people being medicated for the rest of their lives made me realise there was nothing anyone could do to help me. I had to help myself, and I had to get away from mental health services if I wanted my life back. This was my first turning point. I picked myself up, pulled myself together and told them I was OK.
For the last year-and-a-half I‘ve been going to a hearing voices group. This was another turning point for me. I really needed friends and to be with other people who were kind and good. The group has given me those friendships and an opportunity for me to talk about my reality. I sometimes think that people with mental illness are kinder than other people.
Search for your own truth
I’ve learnt not to get worked up about small things anymore – they don’t really matter. You’ve got to search for your own truth and find your own way through, and not let other people’s truths lead you astray. Now, I don’t worry if someone has a different opinion from me. I know what I believe and I don’t want to fight about it.
I believe I was sane in my insanity. I wasn’t sick, and never truly have been. And even though I don’t hear God so much now, I know he’s still there.
