Support got me through tough times
I think I realised there was something quite different about me when I was 14 and first started to experience depression.
I would feel really unhappy on the inside, but I always wore this beautiful mask, so everyone saw me as a happy person. From a very early age I had a vivid imagination and would make up happy stories, even though happy things weren’t happening.
There is definitely a direct link between events in my life and the symptoms I started to experience. Because of family circumstances I spent a lot of time in care during my childhood. My mother’s boyfriend molested me when I was about nine, and then my mother’s third husband abused me when I was 14.
It took a long time for me to realise it was abuse. I learned to disassociate. I played three roles; I was my step-father’s partner when my mum was out, a child when my mum was home, and a ‘normal’ teenager with friends. So yes, I believe traumatic experiences were the reasons why I experienced mental unwellness, and first attempted suicide when I was 15.
I came to New Zealand at 19 and thought all my problems were left behind. Of course that’s not how it works and my problems came with me. I got married but felt depressed every winter and when I was 23 attempted suicide again. By the time I was 25, things got so bad I was put into hospital.
I was diagnosed with manic depression. I had no idea what that meant. They gave me lithium, but I reacted badly to it and had to come off it. Instead they prescribed lots of sleep, healthy food and multi-vitamins.
Hospitalisations good and bad
I loved being in hospital, because it was like how peer support is now. It was the only time I didn’t have to pretend. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do.
You didn’t just sit around smoking and doing nothing, they had groups and classes, and it was a place you could rest and learn. I also listened to other people’s stories and learnt from their experiences. I found out there were a lot more people than I’d realised who had been abused.
Three weeks later I was able to go home and it wasn’t until I was 31 that I crashed again. This time I heard voices. The first voice was someone hunting me, which was very scary. I thought all foods were poisoned, so I only drank boiled water and I got very thin. I was admitted back into hospital, but instead of treating the voices and the hallucinations, they treated me for anorexia.
They would watch me eat, which fed the whole psychosis, because I already thought people were trying to poison me.
I didn’t want any medication because of my earlier experience with lithium. I didn’t realise there were new medications that didn’t have the same side effects. I slowly got better and was allowed to go home just before Christmas.
At that time in my life I was living alone and went home to an empty house. A social worker came round and saw that I had no food and took me shopping. She organised a food parcel and I just about fell over, because in all the years I had never had that kind of support, ever. She was amazing, she would take me out for drives, and all of a sudden everything turned around and I became well.
Stayed well for 17 years
For 17 years I stayed well. I did this by creating structure and routine in my life. I went back to study, I met my second husband, and I did lots of exercise. I had periods of depression, but never to the point I became suicidal, or I didn’t achieve what I wanted to achieve.
Then, when I was 47, I was sleeping poorly and started hearing voices again. Things just got worse and worse. The TV and radio were giving me messages and because I was unwilling to take medication I ended up in hospital again.
One day, one of the patients asked me if I wanted to go home, and I said, “Of course”. She said, “Take your medication”, and I said, “I don’t want to take medication”, and she said, “But you can stop it when you get home”. I hadn’t thought of that. So I took the medication, because it was the only way I was going to go home.
It really helped and I was back home in four weeks this time. I slowly came off the antipsychotics and reduced my mood stabiliser. The voices were still there when I became really distressed. That’s when the people on TV spoke to me. Or I started getting messages about things I had to do.
I've learn't I don't have to listen to the voices
In the past, I never questioned why I had to go and do these things. Now I’ve learnt that I don’t have to listen to the voices. I just decided one day not to do what they were telling me to – and nothing happened so I thought, “Okay cool, the next time I don’t have to actually do what they say!”
The biggest thing that has helped my recovery is support; whether it’s from family, friends, or through peer support. The more you talk about what is happening to you, the more you can find people who understand you.
