Learn as many skills as you can to cope
I had a really abusive childhood. I was abused emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually. The only good thing I can say about it now is that I’m not what happened to me, I’m who I’ve chosen to be. I’m not over it, but I’m learning to process it and find ways to cope.
I was eight or nine when I first started smoking marijuana and sniffing glue. By the time I was 17 I was hooked on methamphetamine. I only stopped using when I got pregnant at 19 for the sake of my baby. I started using again when my baby was only three days old.
My mum ended up taking my first baby and my second when they were between two and three years old. This was because of the volatile nature of my relationship with their father, who was a violent man and a drug addict.
Lost the plot after third pregnancy
Then, seven years ago when I was 26, I got pregnant again and had a late termination. I think that’s when I lost the plot a bit. I started hearing voices and I just wanted to die.
The voices were quite nasty and derogatory and just really put me down all the time. They would say things like, “You’re no good”, “You’re a loser”, “You’re demon possessed”.
I was quite heavily into drugs and drinking at the time. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating, and suddenly I started hearing voices inside my head. Then I heard them in the radio and I could hear them in the TV.
It really brought a lot of fear and anxiety into my life. The voices were constantly bombarding me. There was a really nasty neighbourhood in my head. It was like they were critiquing everything I did.
Drugs and alcohol helped quell those voices for a time, but they’d always come back with full force. They’d say, “You murdered a little baby, you evil witch”.
I hid hearing voices
I hid hearing voices until two years ago when I thought I could feel an octopus on my stomach choking and strangling, but it was the voices. I was sent to a community mental health centre where I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. It was horrible when I was given that diagnosis.
Suddenly I was labelled just because I’d told them I heard voices. I shouldn’t have told anybody; I should have just kept my mouth shut.
I didn’t want to be labelled as schizophrenic, because people are so uninformed and society looks down on it. No one understands. Even I thought people with schizophrenia were second-class citizens and needed to be in hospital, or away from society, at all times.
Youngest child triggered recovery
My recovery was triggered by the birth of my youngest child, two-and-a-half years ago. It was a huge turning point for me. I decided that I needed to go into a rehabilitation centre to recover from my mental illness and to learn how to cope with life without having to use drugs and alcohol.
Mum took my daughter and I’ve been living in a residential harm reduction programme for 12 months. I’ve got harm reduction plans around my using, so it’s me controlling the addiction not the addiction controlling me. I’ve made goals and have achieved some and fallen over on others.
While there, I met another lady who also hears voices, but has learnt skills to manage the negative voices. She totally understood me and I knew I wasn’t crazy.
People say you’re crazy because you hear voices, but I see myself as quite an intelligent, articulate person with a good future ahead of me.
I have more coping skills now. I’ve learnt to approach my voices in a different way by saying to them, Thanks for your opinion” and leaving it there, rather than getting all upset and angry with them. Negotiating with them, as opposed to swearing at them. Telling them I’m busy.
I started hearing positive voices
Seven months ago I started hearing positive voices! They are really cool. They are like my cheerleaders. They say, “You’re a good girl”, “Well done” and “Yes, that’s the way to go”. Some of them think they are my sister or brother, because they say, “That’s the one sis!”
Now I hear the voices about once a week and I’m just glad I’m not living with them everyday. So many miracles have happened since I’ve been here.
My advice to others is to learn as many skills as you can to cope with the voices. Love yourself. Be proud
of who you are, be proud of your recovery. I’ve learnt that I am valuable and I am worthwhile.
I have a higher power that still loves me despite my poor choices in life, and people who validate me as a person. I’m not judged.
I’ve been doing lots of courses and next year I’m going to study for my early childhood teaching diploma. I feel like the world is my oyster and I can have the life that I want – a life beyond my wildest dreams –regardless of hearing voices.
I see recovery as a bit of a dance – two steps forward and one step back, and never give up!
