Be kind to yourself
I started hearing voices when I was 16. I was bullied and I moved countries and that kind of messed me up because I didn’t have many friends. Then I got bullied in New Zealand, too.
At first I thought the voices were universal spirits coming to either help me or punish me. They said they would hurt me if I spoke about them, so I was very worried about that and it scared me a lot.
I have several voices that are familiar and they have the most weight when they speak. The other ones are chatterboxes and comment on things. One of the familiar voices represents someone very close to me who is positive. The other is someone who bullied me a lot. When he talks, I am quite unwell. He’s not very nice at all.
Voices like a rainbow of spirits
I think of my voices as the universe talking to me. They are like a rainbow of spirits on a continuum, with a dark voice at one end. I know the voices are actually me, but if I’ve had a hard day I like to think of them as spirits.
I left school early because of the bullying and managed to get a job working in a shop. That really helped as I had something to do. But I was still very depressed and the voices were regularly hassling me about my gender identity. From a very young age I wanted to be a girl, and thought I would be, so I’d sneak clothes into the house and dress up. Nobody knew.
About five or six years ago, I decided to give transitioning a go. I went to see the doctor and had a few therapy sessions. It was a very quick process, although I didn’t say I heard voices. Retrospectively, I think that was a good choice. I’ve read that other people have been stonewalled if they’ve mentioned hearing voices. Some people get through but others don’t.
After the counselling, they put me on hormones and that uplifted my mood quite a bit. The voices let up a bit about it as well. They weren’t waving flags for me, but they stopped commenting about my gender identity. I know they react to me, and what I’ve got going on, so if I’m feeling good, they feel good too. Once I transitioned the voices were okay. They could still be negative, but not too extreme.
I first spoke out about the voices about three or four years ago. I’d had sexual reassignment surgery and experienced a lot of stress going through that, as I had to do dilation three times a day for an hour. I wasn’t getting much sleep, my work in the computer industry was stressful and I had a flatmate who was very threatening. It all started to add up after a few months. The voices started getting louder and louder and more aggressive.
All hell broke loose when I decided to tell someone
I told them I was going to talk to someone about them and then all hell broke loose. They told me I had to kill myself otherwise they would come after me. I told my partner and I was put straight into hospital.
I was eventually diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. They made me take medication. I didn’t want to take it, but I didn’t get a choice. At first it made the bad voices quieten down a bit, but it didn’t make them go away and I felt like I had jelly in my brain.
After I was discharged I was referred to a community mental health centre. I saw a psychologist and a key worker twice a week. They were the most helpful people I’d come across. My key worker was transgender as well, which was cool. She was good to talk to and my psychologist gave me skills to cope better under pressure.
Four or five months later the voices got stronger again. They promised me that if I killed myself I would be redeemed and get special powers. I went back into hospital again. They put me on antidepressants and mood stabilisers that made me feel really bad. I became even more of a zombie than I was already. I just bluffed my way out of hospital. I told them I didn’t hear any voices, and they were like,
“Sweet, you can go!” - even though I was still hearing things all over the show.
Learnt to put boundaries around voices
It’s been a year since my last hospital admission and I’m doing a lot better now. I’m going to hearing voices groups and I’ve learnt to put boundaries around the voices, to ask them to come back when I am ready to talk to them. It’s good to be around other people who understand what it’s like to hear voices.
My advice to others is to be kind to yourself. My voices are better when I’m feeling better. Also make sure you surround yourself with people who really care about you. They can help you a lot.
My relationship with my family has improved a lot. They were really positive about my transition, so we’ve actually grown a lot closer. They come and visit me and I go and stay with them if I’m unwell.
Things look pretty good. I’ve got cats, my partner, a job working with computers and a family that loves me. I’ve got lots of positive things, so I think that I’m OK.
So many people have helped me that if sharing my story helps even one person, I’ll be chuffed!
